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Grey.

It’s 1am and my alarm is set for 9am but I have no desire to sleep. I don’t feel like listening to music or watching a movie and I have nothing to say to anyone. In fact, no med student really has anything to say right now. I could of course listen to someone complain but I prefer the silence in my head or the sound the buttons of the keyboard make as I write something.

Third year, the most stressful time of our lives and here I am. I’m bored. I will be one of the few med students to admit to actually studying and right now I feel neutral about studying. I’m not forcefully studying out of fear of finals and I’m not studying out of love for the subjects I’m taking. I just sit down and study. There is no desire, but there is efficiency (or so I hope and seem to believe).

Today was my first actual day of studying for the first final and I woke up early so I can finish studying by sunset and have the night to myself but I found the night to be empty and mundane. There are things I can do, video games to play, shows to watch, and the whole internet to surf but I don’t necessarily feel like doing any of these.

I’ve had a headache since Sunday (today is Saturday) and it got a lot better on Thursday but it still comes for brief visits. It has been my most loyal, yet annoying, companion over the past week. Well, it and the never ending neck stiffness. My corneas are tinted pink rather than the regular white and surprisingly my blood pressure is below normal. I say surprisingly because on most days my blood pressure is slightly elevated. I’m not quite sure what’s going on.

I’m not listless and I’m not motivated. I’m not excited or anxious. I’m not ecstatic or miserable. I know something’s coming up and I’m getting ready for it. Do I want to succeed and do exceptionally well? Well obviously, besides my inappropriate sense of humor it’s probably the only other thing I’m never letting go of. Success however will probably only result in satisfaction, like a job was done, rather than joy. Will it upset me if I fail? Yes. I am a med student. We are the world’s worst losers. Will it kill me? No.

So how do I end this? Do I say goodbye and wish everyone good luck for their finals? Luck. I never liked luck. I believe in it but I absolutely despise it. I’d rather keep luck as an enemy than an occasional ally. Luck deceives you when it’s on your side. It empowers you making you let down your guard thinking you are invincible and all of a sudden it’s beating you with all its might. Luck. I’ll never wish anyone “good luck”.

Back to ending this, I suppose I’ll just go to bed and hope that tomorrow is a bright new day full of emotions regardless where they come from on the spectrum and that my mind and body are back in sync. Although this isn’t too bad you know, just boring.

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