The first alarm of the morning goes off. You’re not simply annoyed because you’re tired and would like to get more sleep. You’re annoyed because this is the first of potentially a dozen alarms that’ll ring throughout the day, and this is the only one you’re actually capable of snoozing. The rest aren’t automated or electrical alarms. They’re all in your head and they’ll continue to go off as long as you breathe. There’s no snooze button, there’s no battery, and there’s no wire.
You turn off the alarm that wakes you up but you can’t go back to sleep. Tick tick tick. You have to get up to go wherever you’re supposed to be. Your head’s stopping you from sleeping, not your phone. As you go on with your day that god forsaken tick tick tick will come back. Again and again. It’s all for things you don’t want to worry about but need to and things you don’t want to do but have to. Why do you have to? Well it could be because of pressure from those around you. It could be because of your expectations of yourself. Finally it could be because you have to do things you dread in order to get to do the things you love. Of course it could be a combination of all of those things.
Obviously the best thing to do would be to say fuck it, but you can’t, can you? This post isn’t about the alarms you can snooze, it’s about the ones that drive you insane. People will tell you it’s not worth it and what will be will be. “It’s all fun. We’re not here for long so why don’t we spend our time here having a good time without stressing out?” But it’s not fun though, is it? If these alarms are going off because you need them to help you achieve your dream(s) then sure it can be fun maybe 50% of the time? But what if they’re going off at the end of the week? What if they’re going off at the end of the day after you’ve already been up for 12 hours and still have more work to do?
It’s not fun when you’ve grown so accustomed to these alarms that their absence is louder than their presence. When you’re done with everything for the day but you can’t get yourself to enjoy a movie, a show, or some music. When you’re out with friends but can’t help but think “this is a huge waste of time, I should be doing something.” And so it begins: the endless cycle.
You start off working because you have to, for whatever reason. Then you’re working because you’ve become productive and hey, if I work a little more today then I’ll have less work to do tomorrow. Eventually you get to a point where you’re working because there’s nothing else for you to do. Nothing else is satisfying or worth the effort. This is your basic state of mind now and anything else isn’t satisfying anymore. Even if what you’re doing doesn’t always leave you satisfied, but you’re left to choose between working and watching a movie. Neither of them is satisfying to you, so you might as well do the productive thing and work.
You’re lucky if you have something or someone that can take your mind off the alarms. If you do, never let go of it. Whatever it is, it’s the reason you haven’t gone insane. It’s why you’re still a functioning person. No matter what they say or how stupid it seems to others, if it makes you OK then fuck everyone and everything else.
Of course if this all seems odd to you and you have no idea what these weird alarms I’m talking about are, well I was going to say I envy you, but I don’t.