Happiest Years Of My Life

I refuse the notion that my twenties should be the happiest years of my life. In fact I have no respect for a forty something year old who spends his/her days telling people they’ll never be as happy as they are, right now, in their  twenties. I’m not saying your twenties should be miserable, on the contrary. Have fun and do the things that make you happy in your twenties but don’t expect those ten years to be all fun and games.

What is your issue with being a college graduate or over thirty-one? Who told you the fun was over? Is it the responsibilities? Well if we’re going to look at it responsibility wise then your days in your mother’s uterus were probably the glory days of your entire existence. Responsibilities come after exiting the womb too you know. All of a sudden you’re asked to actively suckle/eat, start communicating, and even control when you pee. For someone who spent 9 months doing absolutely nothing these demands seem preposterous compared to the transition between college and life after college.

Is it because your twenties are when you’re supposed to not care about a thing and travel the world? Have you earned the right to those things? Are you traveling at your own expense or are your parents paying for it? If you’re 22-25 then the greatest achievement in your life is graduating college which is nothing basically. You’ve earned nothing. Yes you deserve to be happy but to say that the maximum amount of “fun” you can have should be at an age where you’ve done and achieved nothing is hilarious.

Alright, so it’s none of the above. You’re just logically thinking that since these are the peak years of your life physically and mentally you should utilize all that energy before you start having osteoarthritis. That’s insane. These aren’t the dark ages. Your life expectancy isn’t thirty years at best. Odds are you’re going to live until at least seventy. If your health stops you from having all the fun you want before you’re at least fifty-five then that’s on you for not taking better care of yourself.

Your twenties are arguably the most crucial years of your life. You could either prepare and work to prepare yourselves for great things, or you can spend them feeling bad about all the fun you’re missing and all the countries you haven’t set foot in yet. Yes, you’re at the peak of your physical and mental powers so you should utilize them to build a future for yourself that gets better with each passing decade rather than wanting your life to peak in the first quarter of it.

If you’re not looking forward to the future that’s on you. You want your life to peak early and spend the rest of it in living hell then by all means, go ahead if you can. If your motivation is success, love, money, fame, or anything else then you should be looking to achieving and enjoying what you’re looking for. If you’re so sure that your life will only get worse after your twenties then what’s the point of waking up for your thirtieth birthday?

Have fun, work hard, get tired, and temporarily give up every once in a while then get back to it. It’s okay, you’re only human. Just don’t mentally accept that your life will only go downhill after college and that college wasn’t even that much fun. Don’t prepare yourself for misery by lowering your expectations of the next 50-100 years of your life. Think of your twenties as the engine room of the ship that is your life. Work hard enough and one day it’ll run itself so that you can enjoy the view from the deck.


Her name was..

Galileo realized the Earth revolved around the sun. The apple fell on Newton and he discovered gravity. Penicillin was accidentally invented. The Wright brothers learned to fly. Someone somewhere decided to put ice cream on waffles and the idea caught on. Two world wars done and dusted. The world had gone through a lot. It was preparing for someone special. It had tried over and over to mould itself into something wonderful.

The world failed. Despite its best efforts the harder it tried the worse things got. 9/11 lead to the “war on terror.” Cancer and HIV were recognized and a cure hasn’t been found. Revolutions that gave us hope only to take it away crushed our hearts every few years. Global warming a bigger threat than ever. Racism far from disappearing. In fairness the world had tried its best. It was mainly because of mankind that things weren’t as they should’ve been. The universe knew how important she was, but people were too self involved to see it.

She came to the world not knowing much about it. She was ignorant to the ongoing struggle that’s been going on for thousands of years just for her. The world was losing so terribly that she didn’t even realize how important she was. One thing she didn’t lose, however, was her connection with everything. She spent her days heartbroken over all the injustices that happened around her. She found peace and joy in a few things the world had created just for her. Things no one could take away.

Having failed in its mission to make itself as perfect as possible for her, the world considered ending itself (quite possibly by getting Trump elected as president and having him start a nuclear war). It was all for nothing. Thousands of years had gone to waste. From dinosaurs going extinct to mankind visiting the moon and what was it all for? It wasn’t good enough. She deserved better.

That was when the world was reminded why she was so important. Everything had revolved around her since the beginning of time. It was an assumption that she must be protected and made to live without sorrow. That’s the thing though: she was special. Special people don’t need special treatment. The world didn’t need to make itself hers. She owned it in her own way. The world didn’t have to try to be perfect anymore because she made it so. She accomplished with a smile what forces beyond comprehension have been trying to achieve since the sun lit up. The world needed her, and she was finally here.

Her name was Emma Stone. Or maybe it wasn’t, I’m often wrong these days.



“My name is irrelevant. I’m 14 and unlikely to celebrate being 20. I have a muscle disease that will eventually affect my heart and kill me. My life hasn’t been miserable. I wasn’t always like this. They say there were years when I ran and felt the wind against my face, but these aren’t years I can remember.

My life has been mostly spent at hospitals and clinics. My first memories are of my mother frantically taking me to doctors. They always spoke in a tone that implied I was being praised saying how I’m a “classic presentation” but my mother never seemed to take pride in that. During every checkup they’d make me sit on the ground and try to get up in front of a new group of medical students who could only add to my life by clapping. Clapping that was canceled out by looks of pity louder than thunder.

Relatives always seem fascinated and relieved. They look at me then to their children and silently thank a God they still have a reason to believe in. That’s okay though, I don’t envy the other children or blame their parents for being thankful. The thing that gets me the most is how they’re asking my mom to do more. Telling her maybe there’s something she could do. Like she doesn’t already blame herself enough.

I googled my disease and I know I got it via a chromosome from my mother. A chromosome she couldn’t have known she had. I’m certain this has been mentioned to her on multiple occasions, it’s not like we’re strangers to hospitals by this point. She quit her job to take care of me. To take care of a son who’s going to die in a few years. I ask myself ‘what’s the point?’ Would I do the same for someone else? Why keep me alive and struggle this much if I’m just temporary?

I can’t get up on my own anymore let alone walk. I can barely feed myself. School is just a concept that becomes a reality a couple of times a year. I’m glad I’m getting an education, it’s something I can do on my own. I can read a book without being observed by the public as my mother grunts and gasps as she helps me get around. The last time I tried moving across a room on my own I hit the ground hard and the terror in her eyes was enough for me to never try it again. Seeing her struggle with me will always beat the mania followed by sudden relief when she realizes I hit the floor because I can’t support myself not because my heart finally stopped.

It’s unlikely that I’ll figure out why she’s doing this when she knows it won’t last in the few years I have left. I hope it’s not out of guilt or obligation. It’s hard to believe in anything anymore but the idea that she does it out of love helps me go on with my day while the thought of how she’ll feel when I’m gone keeps me awake at night.”


Medicinal Messi

Life sucks doesn’t it? Well this is a football article so let’s make this a bit happier. Life sucks without football doesn’t it? I know I’m not the only one who hates FIFA week and that period of the year between the UCL final and the first day of club football in August. After two boring weeks club football returned yesterday. There were a bunch of great games too like Spurs-Liverpool, Everton-ManUtd, and of course nothing compares to a return to the Camp Nou.

Despite watching 4 consecutive games on Saturday the 17th, concluded by Barca’s game, I was left wanting more. Neymar played a great game scoring 4 goals and his dribbling was so good if it wasn’t for his short hair I may have mistaken him for Ronaldinho but I was still left feeling..ordinary. What was missing? Who was missing? Lionel Messi.

Leo is not a footballer, perhaps not even a human like you and me, and it shows more when he’s *gulp* gone. I just watched Neymar score FOUR goals! A few weeks ago I saw Lewandowski score FIVE in NINE minutes! What is wrong with me?! I have been inflicted with Messi magic, and I love to break it to you, you’ve got it too. When Messi gets the ball my eyes dilate and my heart beats faster. I blink less and my whole body becomes paralyzed because this is it. NOT NOW MOM/PHONE/DOORBELL! I’m about to witness magic.

Our lives are, apart from a few special moments, ordinary. You wake up and go to work/uni/school and I can probably guess 80% of what goes on in your day correctly, but twice a week that’s not the case. For 90 minutes you have no idea what’s going to happen. Messi receives a pass or a cross and he receives and controls it like he’s Iron Man getting into his suit. It’s a perfect fit. Will he slow down or run for it? Will he go right or will he go left? Will he shoot? Will he pass back?

How many here predicted Messi was going to go right against Boateng? How many expected him to chest the ball into the net in the Club WC final back in 2011? Messi can score, dribble, pass, and well if it’s a verb that exists in the sport of football you know Messi can do it but it’s how he does it and when he chooses to do it. Messi passes to Busquets. Busquets stops the ball. Messi takes it back. One defender. Two defenders. Three defenders. Four defenders. Goal. Wait, what?

Messi gets a pass from Alves and we’re thinking who’s he going to set up with one of his otherworldly passes or you know what I’m going to be a little wild and suggest he’ll try to beat Neuer at the far post, but he decides to beat him at the near post and put the ball in the back of the net. There are a lot of things I can predict. I’m a good observer and it’s a fact that the more you see someone the more you know what they’re about to do, but I see Messi twice a week. I see the guy for 180 minutes a week and I have absolutely no clue if he’s going to pass back to Alves or play the ball over 5 ManCity players for Rakitic to score!

When you watch Leo you see perfection. How often do you see perfection in your life? Do you have the perfect boss/teacher/friend? A human mind loves perfection. They should make studies about what seeing Messi do what he does for a number of years does to your brain. It’s so breathtaking and exceptional that it makes you think “damn I wish everything was as perfect as Messi is with a ball at his feet”.

I never know what Messi’s going to do but I trust him more than anyone or anything to make it unforgettable. Life is mundane and simply regular, but Messi adds a little magic to it. Magic that is good for the soul. Magic that makes you wake up the next day smiling and thinking how much you can’t wait for the next game. I hate not knowing, but I have accepted the fact that I will never know what Messi will do or how he does it or when he chooses to do it. I am satisfied knowing that at the end I will be either on my feet clapping or collapsed on the floor in awe chanting MESSI-MESSII-MESSIII!


A Horrifying Children’s Story: Fuck Sheep

Billy was no ordinary sheep
In fact for a sheep, he was a bit of a creep
He watched the farmer kill his friends
While he ate grass and continued to pretend
Until one day he noticed a sheep being incinerated
And thought “why not just decapitated?”
He learned that his fellow sheep was infected
And his revenge plan became perfected
He decided that in the infected soil he would roll
“The human who eats me will lose his soul”
The farmer’s big black wolf had already been observing
A protector in the shadows carefully lurking
She would rather to have not interfered
But for her poor master’s life she really feared
So she took one for the team and ate Billy
But her master misunderstood her actions and thought her silly
He had her put down for what she did
Not knowing that if not for her he would’ve lost his kid

Wolves aren’t always the villains and sheep aren’t always the victims. Fight discrimination.


No Joke

Standing on his building’s rooftop he was assessing whether a jump off a 7 story building would definitely kill him. He thought in anger and fury as he made a plan that was not to be executed that night.

“They all think I’m a joke. Somehow every time I mess up it’s hilarious. People never let things go. My wife wants to leave me because she doesn’t think I’m going anywhere with my life. What about her life? She’s not going anywhere either! What a hypocrite! Even my friends and family wait for me to fail in some hilarious way when I’m with them. It’s like seeing me slip-up is their only source of laughter. For years I’ve been ridiculed by the people I loved.

“My boss doesn’t trust me with any work anymore. One or two silly mistakes that could have happened to anyone and suddenly I’m useless at the office. I’m someone he can’t rely on. My coworkers keep asking in a sarcastic manner if I need any help when I’m assigned the simplest and smallest of tasks; tasks that I can’t fuck up.”

The thoughts ran through his mind and then he paused and took in a deep breath of fresh air. He looked again and was certain this time that a fall would kill him. He thought about ending his life that night but no he thought of something better.

“Why end it now? I can’t end it with everyone thinking I’m a joke, a failure. I’ll spend the next few months showing them I’m a perfectionist. I will succeed at everything I do. My conversations will be stimulating and intellectual. I will make them laugh at my jokes rather than my mistakes. Then everyone will rely and count on me. I will be essential to my boss. My friends won’t stand to meet without me and will make time to see me. Yes! I will be the most important person in the life of everyone I know!

“Right at that moment, only then will I jump off this building. I won’t die a joke. They will miss and mourn me. The office will collapse in my absence. Family gatherings will never be the same. Something will always be missing. I will always be missing. They’ll know then how important I was and they’ll remember me not as a joke, but as a leader, as the most reliable person they have ever met.

“Maybe I should stay alive after changing their mind about me, but no..no. They mocked my mistakes and they don’t deserve me at my best. I’m going to teach them all a lesson those ungrateful filthy beings. Each of them pretends to have never made a mistake. I’ll divorce my wife anyway before I dazzle everyone else. She’ll only hear about how great I will become and she’ll beg to come back to me but I’ll end all her hope when I jump only adding to her misery. Yes, I’ll teach them. I’ll show them!”

He felt pretty good about himself and completely satisfied with his grand plan. He took one final deep breath and look at the city below and beyond him. He looked at the stars and added learning about them to the list of things he wanted to do before the jump.

Finally he got off the roof and took the elevator back to his floor. As he put his hands in his pockets he collapsed on the floor in laughter. He laughed at the irony that he had forgotten his keys and locked himself out of his own apartment. He laughed so hard the neighbors opened the door and told him to shut up.

What a joke.


Entertainment Tonight

“Entertain me,” she said to her husband on a lazy Wednesday night. He looked up from his phone with a smile and said “well how about we go out?”

“It’s late and all the shops and restaurants oughtta be closed by now. I demand to be entertained!”

“We don’t need the shops and restaurants. You asked me to do something now let me do it.”

“Okay then I’ll go get dressed,” she said as she got out of bed. “Wear something comfortable, honey,” he said in a playful manner. She asked what they were going to do and he simply replied, “I don’t have a clue,” but he said it with such honesty that she mistook it for sarcasm.

It was the middle of September and the weather was lovely. As they got out of their house it was a few minutes past 9. They held each other’s hands and walked down the sidewalk and that was when they spotted a bus heading to their neighbor city which just so happened to have a beach. Realizing this was his chance to turn an ordinary night into something special he jumped into the bus as soon it stopped and yanked her off the street and into the bus. “Are you insane? We’re not dressed for the beach. Come on let’s go do something back at home.” She said to him in disbelief not fully realizing what’s happening. In the manner of someone who owns the bus and the plans to the rest of the evening he replied “It’s already done. We’re here and we’re going to the beach. You asked for entertainment and I’ll give it to you. The night is only starting.”

A few miles into the desert between both cities the bus broke down. Passengers were welcome to stay inside while the driver sent, and waited, for another bus to come pick them up. Seeing as there was no form of entertainment in waiting in a bus the husband suggested to his wife that they start walking down the road. Seeing as how the night was going she decided to join the general atmosphere and agreed to his proposal. They told the driver that if he spotted them down the road while in the new bus he’d stop and pick them up and off they went.

As they went down the road he jokingly asked her if she liked his methods of entertainment and with a smile she answered “Well I’m certainly not bored.” A little while later they grew tired and decided to lay down for a bit. With their backs against the floor and their ears on the lookout for a bus engine they saw the stars. “We can never see them at home I almost forgot they existed,” he remarked. “Well I’m glad you remembered. Maybe this whole night wasn’t a total waste,” she said sarcastically. Their laughter was interrupted by the sound of a motorcycle passing by.

As they got up they noticed a black motorcycle slowing down and heading for them. The guy on the motorcycle didn’t look very friendly. He had a tattoo of two guns crossed in an X on his left arm. He stared at them for a few seconds and as he took a knife out of his pocket BAM in half a second the wife’s foot made contact with his face knocking him down. She was thankful for her karate lessons, her choice of shoes that night, and whatever it was that gave her the guts to do that. As the man made contact with the floor her husband kicked the knife away as she started the motorcycle and screamed “LET’S GO!” As they drove away they both kept screaming that they were sorry to the man helping himself off the floor in utter astonishment.

To their neighboring city they headed. On the way they played music at full volume and accompanied it by alternating periods of nervous laughter and singing along. As they got into the city a police officer spotted them and told them that the police was looking for the same kind of motorcycle with these exact license plates and took them to the police department. After about an hour of making sure that these people aren’t wanted by the law, the police let them go.

They didn’t really give a damn that they lost the motorcycle. It’s not like they were relying on it to get back home and they had already gotten to where they wanted. Hand in hand they walked to the beach. There they found an open diner and got something to eat then they headed for the beach. They stayed until they saw the sunrise and then took the earliest bus back home. It was the most entertaining night of their lives.

The next morning, technically it was 5pm, she woke her husband up by nearly pushing him off the bed and screaming “WAKE UP! READ THE NEWSPAPER!” As he got up and put on his glasses he read the following headline off the front page: WANTED MAN STOPS BUS ON ITS WAY TO NEIGHBORING CITY AND MURDERS EVERYONE ON IT. The attached picture of the man being arrested didn’t show much but it showed a tattoo of two guns crossed in an X on his left arm.

She never asked her husband for an entertaining night again.